inkpot's Xanga

Mixed

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 03:16:03 GMT

Oh my my my...

I hate and I do repeat hate alzehimers!!!!!!! I hate what is does to my Mama and really upsetting what it does to my papa. He is so vunerable, feeling like her mooods are his fault. Totally not true. Really, I want a husband to still love me even when I am not completely myself and say things i really dont mean to say.

I want people to like me. I know this sounds crazy but I do. I want to be able to reach out to people and them respond back. Its an amazing feeling when that happens.

I love my new brandon heath CD. His lyrics match my life and its current circumstances. I would love to go to his concert Tuesday night but alas I would have to go by myself. not so much fun.

I really need to sleep and not be random. Haha

Loss

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:11:38 GMT

Loss is something we all deal with in different ways. This morning I had a great loss in my life and a dreaded sense that I was being prepared to lose something else. This morning, I found my cat, the one I was there for right after he was born. He was left as an after thought of a careless an uncaring speeding motorist. Anger. Frustration. Great loss poured over me until it felt as though everything was closing in on me. You see to some this may seem silly. But it is not. Understand me please, my Rascal has been a stability in my life. He has been there through my illness and never asked me why I was grumpy or even questioned my tears. I had to let him go today. The ironic thing is that the last time I was able to hold him he wanted down, but I held him close and told him I was not ready for me to let him go. My mom says there is a lesson God is trying to show me through this. Right now however, it only seems like a cruel punishment He is reminding me He does as he wills regardless of our feelings. I am scared. My Papa who I love dearly, everday is being weakend but the brute strength of my Mama's alzimehers. ITS NOT FAIR!!!! But then the little voice inside me saus-but it never is is it?

On the road

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 05:04:47 GMT

Yes it is that time!

I am leaving in about 5 hours for Mexico for a mission trip with my church. We have a long drive ahead of us but a great reward to greet us. I will once again be united with my other family memberes. I call them my Mexican family. I cannot wait for God to work and me being able to work as a part of the functioning body of Christ. I am typing kinda funny but it is 1 am so i kinda have an excuse right? haha. Well, I will do a follow up post later. Please pray for me and the teams.

Glimpses

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 03:29:59 GMT

These past two days I have caught glimpses of things. Things that I had been missing out on. I went to my grandparents house yesterday and just talked with them, about their life, about my life and about memories. Today I thought about what a hole will be left when they go to be with God. I just hope that I am making them proud of me. My Papa is a man I love dearly. I admire him so much for the way in which he conducts himself and cares for my Mama. He loves her when her comments can sting, gets her things she needs and wants, patiently gives her her medications and holds her hand in public. My Papa is having surgery Tuesday and I am scared. He is almost 90 years old and you know surgey at that age can be risky.I just have to let God guide the surgeons hand and get my Papa through this.

Another glimpse I saw was that of love. Love for a person that makes you happy. New love. Infatuation that given time will mature and with God's help thrive as they become life partners. No it wont be easy. I just need to be as supportive as possible even though my concerns.

Tonight I got a hug from a friend. To some that may seem small but to me it meant the world. I have missed my friend whose focus has altered to a new interest in life. I told my mom that everything was worth it just to get that hug, smile and thank you.

Next week cometh like a Goliath, ready to pounce. Finals in a subject I struggle with, surgery and a wedding. But I will be ready. Just hand me my slingshot and watch out!

These Small Hours

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 04:02:41 GMT

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

I really enjoy this song. It reminds me to look at how I am using the moments I am being given. Am I wasting them or using them wisely? Am I looking too much into the past, too far into the future or am I living in the moment? What about you? What are you doing with the moments God is giving you?

Of snow and various thing

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 03:43:16 GMT

I just love the way snow looks. Everything looks brighter. I had to get my blood drawn today but the nurse was great but i really do have to say that my confidence was bolstered by my daddy. he came, after getting snow and ice off his car, to the hospital to stay with me while I had my blood drawn. You know, we may not express it very much in words, but we do love each other and I am blessed to have him. I made it through midterm and it looks like I may just pass statistics after all. I may not be the A student but I am determined. All I can do is my best. Well its late and I have another hectic day tomorrow, not to meantion finding out if i can go to mexico or not. Via con dios

Beauty is Only skin Deep?

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 03:19:26 GMT

I must say I struggle with feeling beautiful. Period.

I am Worth It!

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 05:06:51 GMT

So I had a really fun night with a friend. We went and saw 27 Dresses. Its kinda strange when a movie like that makes you think. The two main characters really in their own way resembled myself. I am the helper and the audience, the hopeful and the cynic. I am the one who says yes for the approval of other when sometimes I really just want to say Heck no!!I dont want to do that!

I told my friend tonight in one train of our conversation that the happier I am the better off others around me are. Thats true but how often do I really take the time to better myself spiritually, physically and emotionally? aren't I worth it? Arent those around me equally worth it? Shouldnt I do things out of sheer joy, knowing that I am doing things of my own free will and not just because it makes me look good-the happy go lucky always willing to help Sara who is afraid if she says no that those around her will reject her? god created me to be more than that. He created me to serve him. He created me to lead a balanced life. I need balance!!!!!!

On another note, I really do not want to become desensitized to the idea of marriage. it is a special relationship and not just two people living together. It's not easy but it is always worth it when you know you have found someone who God gave you as a gift, an incentive while living on this crazy plane of exsistence we call life. I dont want to be afraid of love anymore.

Waah!! Woot!

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 01:38:28 GMT

Quick update. Lots of weddings and engagements. Gadzooks!! Work going good. Taking off a month of children's choir. Battling through alzheimers with my grandma and many other things. My friend from Germany is coming back for my friends wedding in March! I start my first class for my Masters degree in 3 days!

Random...

Hi Ho Hi Ho

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 03:31:55 GMT

So Monday I begin work at 7 am. I am excited/nervous. i am just glad to have been placed in a job and that I get to be close to home. That sure will save on the gas.

My mom and I have been walking our city park's walking trail and its beautiful. I took some pics along the way today.

Just because someone does not like an idea we have been working on does not mean its a personal attack against us although it can really feel like it at the time.

It will be wonderful to not be broke!

I have a show closing and a home show the first saturday in November! Fun times!